Before we begin, take a second to look around the room you’re in right now. Now, imagine it half the size. There, you have a reference for the size of the forrest that everyone is stumbling around in, including Carol who wasn’t even at the prison. Sigh.
Are you ready for the big surprise? This episode begins with Beth’s voiceover. It’s more dialogue than she’s had in the entire run of the show. Remember Beth? The predictable writers think it’s clever that Beth is reading a journal about how great the prison is. They can stop running & make a home. Meanwhile, on the screen Beth & Daryl are fighting walkers in the woods and, of course running.
Tonight on “People Walking in the Woods,” cheery Beth and emo Daryl pick berries, look at the ground and enjoy token walker attacks. Beth starts crying when she sees a shoe and later burns her journal pages that she was/is reading as voiceover.
Let’s see, what else is happening? Last week the episode was very Carl-centric. This week we get to see a lot of Carol’s adopted little girls. Perhaps the show runners are getting ready for a tween spin-off or Saturday morning cartoon, Walking Dead Babies.
Ok, after listening to a few Muppet Babies songs, I think The Walking Dead isn’t as awful. Back on the show, we cut to Carl 2, the little sociopath girl Lizzie and her sister who complains about everything. Oh, let’s call her Andrea 2. The brats are walking with New T-dog who happens to be carrying Judith. Remember Judith? Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I should have told you that Daryl spotted some blood on a branch and told Beth it wasn’t walker blood. See, now we are shown New T-dog wraping a wound. Aren’t we scared he might turn on the little girls? People do die in this show, it’s possible I suppose. Carl 2 spots a rabbit and thinks about killing it but Judith cries and they all get scared she’s going to draw walkers.
After feeding Judith, they are off on their own “Walking in the Woods” adventure. Andrea 2 gets spooked by a bird and runs away. New T-dog is now giving fatherly advice instead of being angry at life because his woman died. He leaves the girls and the baby in the woods while he goes off to help some people screaming. Carl 2 smothers baby Judith to stop her from crying. Yup. While she’s lost in the thrill of killing, some walkers are bearing down on Andrea 2. She shoots her gun and the scene cuts to New T-dog realizing what just happened. As he manages to hammer-time some more walkers, he hears his name being called. Carol has the girls and has returned. Ta-da. Tom & Jerry are reunited. That is, New T-dog being Tom and not thinking little Jerry(Carol) would ever harm him. When he finds out that Jerry killed his girlfriend, he’s going to chase her all over creation. This is my awful segue to another terrible “babies” spinoff.
Lucky Carol found them in the woods, hey? What is this “forrest” just a small park in a city block? Tempted to stop watching right now. I’ve only wasted 18 minutes of my life. The 2 people New T-dog was trying to help, got bit. One of them tells our group that they need to follow the tracks. There’s a safe place on the tracks where the kids will be safe.
Cut to Maggie, Redshirt and Botox who are sharpening knives and tending to wounds. Maggie is doing her Rick impression, Botox is playing Daryl and Redshirt is Lori. Maggie wants to find the bus and Botox says the odds are too great that they’d ever find it. She doesn’t know that these woods are real damn tiny because they find the bus seconds later. SECONDS, later. Maggie wants to open the bus to find Glenn and they slaughter all the walkers inside. Maggie steps on the bus to look and is attacked by a brunette walker. She kills it and sits down to cry. Oh no! Was it Glenn? They didn’t show us. No. It’s a fake-out that murders about 4 minutes of the show before they cut to the actual Glenn somewhere else.
Glenn is at the prison still, on the second floor looking at loads of walkers below. More walking around in darkness to get out and find Maggie. Seriously, the whole walker attack thing is done. It’s like the James Bond always getting captured, still thwarting the evil genius and getting the girl. Same shit, over and over. Glenn finds the cellblock, his room and lays down. Things get emotional when he sees a photo he took of Maggie. Glenn grabs supplies and his riot gear. Time to go. DId you know there was a James Bond Jr. cartoon?
He runs right into a crowd of walkers like a running back. Little Glenn, side arms some walkers and is free from the billions of walkers we saw earlier. Yup. On his way around the corner he spots Big Bang Theory. Hooray, the annoying future sister-in-law of the Governor has survived. She’s pretty much catatonic, otherwise I really would stop watching. Glenn tosses a Molotov cocktail at a car and then all the walkers head to it. They like fire? Did we know that? Beth & Daryl have had like 2-3 fires in this episode. Oh well. Glenn & Big Bang Theory make it out, easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.
Big Bang Theory starts talking, apologizing. Glenn wants her help to him find Maggie. Like everyone else in this entire episode, she asks Glenn, “How do you know she made it?” That’s pretty much the only dialogue in the episode. “Did so-and-so make it?”
Anyway, Glenn attacks some walkers which pretty much winds him? He collapses and Big Bang Theory kills the rest. She looks up to see a truck and says, “I hope you enjoyed the show assholes!” Enter new characters. End episode.
Enjoy the Reruns?
Can I just ask a few questions? How hard is it to write new material? Is AMC that obsessed with ratings that they’re afraid to do anything new?
Split up- End of season 2, the farm goes up and the group gets split up. Prison goes up and the group gets split up.
Barrel full of walkers- Season 2, barn full of walkers is found. Let them out, kill them all and find Sophia. S4E10, bus full of walkers is emptied, murdered in search of Glenn.
Sanctuary- Andrea & Michonne find a happy little town where people live normal lives, protected from walkers. S4E10, New T-dog and the little girls find a sign pointing to a safe haven.
Not dead- After the farm, we find out that Andrea lives, Merle lives, Morgan lives. After Woodbury, we learn Martinez lives. Season 4 we know that everybody lives, including Carol.
Careful, it’s dark- Every season, every episode they put a character somewhere that they can be attacked by a walker. Even if they aren’t attacked, they do it to fake you out. This is so fucking old now.
I will find you- Season 1, Rick is going to find his wife and son, damn it. Season 4, Glenn is going to find Maggie and vice versa.
Ruined childhood- Carl is a sociopath after growing up in this violent world so you can’t blame video games. Season 4 introduces Carl 2, Lizzie. Same damn thing. Boring.
Kill your loved ones- Andrea kills Amy, Carl kills Lori, Daryl kills Merle, don’t make me go on.
There’s hope- Season 2, Dale stops Andrea from offing herself. Rick saves Hershel from his sadness, Hershel later saves Rick. Season 4, Glenn stops Big Bang Theory from letting herself die. Oh let’s face it, everyone on this show has had their suicide episode.
Betrayal- Shane betrays Rick, Merle betrays Daryl, Andrea is a bitch to everyone: Michonne, The Governor, Dale, Rick, everybody.
Helping strangers die- Again, too many to list. We’ve stumbled on to new friends, tried to help and they all died in the process, except us. Oops.